Real Questions And Answers From Last Year's GCSE's Some students must think that, if you don't know an answer, you might get some marks by making the poor examiners smile. English Define the word 'monotony.' Monotony is being married to the same person all your life. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. What does the word 'benign' mean? Benign is what you will be after you be eight. What is the correct use of a semi-colon? Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines. Technology What is a turbine? Something an Arab wears on his head. History What is Britain's highest award for valour in war? Nelson's column. R. I. Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son? The fatted calf. What is a Hindu? It lays eggs. Name some famous pilgrimages. Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it's closed. Christians still go on pilgrimage to Lord's. Geography Name the four seasons. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. What is the equator? A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming? Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. How is dew formed? The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. What is a planet? A body of earth surrounded by sky. What causes the tides in the oceans? The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. What is a fossil? A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. Biology What happens to your body as you age? When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. Premature death. What is artificial insemination? When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. How can you delay milk turning sour? Keep it in the cow. How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.) The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U. Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat onto. What is the Fibula? A small lie. Where are the Tibia? They live in a country in North Africa. What does 'varicose' mean? Nearby. What is the most common form of birth control? Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.' The caesarean section is a district in Rome. What is the alimentary canal? The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. What is a coma? A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop. What is a seizure? A Roman emperor. What is a terminal illness? When you are sick at the airport. Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each? A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars and eight cuspidors. Sociology What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. In a democratic society, how important are elections? Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. What is a social node? A friend you have known for a very long time. Medical What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised in a road accident? Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea. What is artificial respiration commonly known as? The kiss of death. What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water? 1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination. 2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. How can you help someone who has fainted? 1. Rub the person's chest or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. 2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor. What are steroids? Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed? 1. Circumcision. 2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops. How would you treat a head cold? Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat. What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog? Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion? If the blood is affirmative or negative. How should you remove dust from the eye? Pull the eye down over the nose. What is an enema? Someone who is not your friend. Psychology What is a morbid state? A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made. Botany What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo? The rectum. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. What is rhubarb? A kind of celery gone bloodshot. Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised. 1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. 2. Germination is the process of becoming a German. 3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments. Chemistry A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. Physics What is momentum? What you give a body when they are going away. What is a vacuum. A large empty space where the pope lives. What is a magnet? Something you find crawling on a dead cat. Penis Tax The only thing that New Labour and Inland Revenue have not taxed yet is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in a hole. On top of that, it has two dependants and they are both nuts. Effective from January 1st 2000, a Penis will be taxed according to SIZE: 10-12'' LUXURY TAX 8-10'' POLE TAX 5-8'' PRIVILEGE TAX 4-5'' NUISANCE TAX Males exceeding 12' must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4' is eligible for a refund. (PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION) We are still waiting clarification on a number of questions raised on this new tax, including: Are there penalties for early withdrawals? What if one's Penis is self employed? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms a deductible as work clothes? Answering Service At The Mental Health Institute 'Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.' If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you now. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the star and pound keys until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. Signs Of The Times In a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW